how does that make you feel?

Tonight i'm struggling... and since i have this great power to send things out into the great void, i'm choosing to do so... i feel the need to vent but don't want to bother anyone around me, as most of the people around me are probably as stressed as i am...

***DISCLAIMER***

what follows could conceivably be perceived as whining... if you don't want to read it, don't... but don't say i didn't warn you when you've finished it and you're bitter at me for making you suffer through it with me... but tonight, i need to get a few things off my chest... and if you're willing... if you want to walk this journey with me... feel free to enter my thoughts - and find out how it makes me feel... whatever "it" is...

***END OF DISCLAIMER***

here's what's going on the school-front... it's crunch time... i found out today that one of the papers that i thought was due next week is actually due tomorrow... good times... so here's what i have left to do...
Pastoral Counseling
Group project - due next week (12/13) - have my partner and i started? heck no... but it's due next week - low priority
Completed Workbook - also due next week - started? yes - half-way done, but it takes a long time!
Final - take home - paper - 10-12 pages - due next week... started? no...
Ministry Leadership
Leader Interview - due - a long time ago... started? no... will try to finish by thursday
Book Review - due - last week - started? sort of - will try to finish by friday
Leadership "thoughts" - in lieu of a final - due next week - 5 pages - started? no... ideas? yes
Preaching
Book Review - due - a long time ago... started? no... will try to finish by saturday
filing system - due - next week... started? yes - file folders made - just need to stuff them with info
class insights - due - next week - started? no...
Christian History
Final - take by tomorrow - finished? no... started studying? no... scared to death of not passing the class? yes...
Theology -
final project - due last week... started? yes... (short amounts to go) will finish tomorrow... personal credo - 10-12 pages... started? no... due... tomorrow... will get it done tomorrow
final - take by tomorrow - finished? no... started studying? no...

whew... tired just typing it... i understand that this is mostly my fault - the procrastination... the madness... i can offer no excuses because excuses, in general, suck...

at the same time... i'm not motivated to get it done... i'm so ready for it to be over, but i am having a hard time getting started on so much of it... and i constantly think - if i can just get through tomorrow, i'll be okay! i just want to get through the next 8 days!!!

at the same time, i want to enjoy the last few days of school... i so treasure time spent with classmates in this building... i love the conversations - the deep sharing that can take place... i hate it when no one is here and i don't want the semester to end! (for the social stuff)

okay - the final word on school is that i'm tired - i'm feeling vulnerable because there is so much on the line and i'm worried about getting it all done... yet i feel the need to vent, thus, creating my "time" to blog right this second... i need to not be thinking and "doing" school for a little bit...

on the personal-front... i'm lonely... i live in a house with 8 people - and a million animals... if there is anyone who shouldn't feel lonely, it's me... i love being at home and being around the family... they bring incredible joy into my life and for that i'm extremely thankful... so why do i feel alone? i want to experience the rest that comes from being with someone - that presence of someone who i can be "me" around and feel comfortable and safe and loved... yes, i should and do feel that in my Daddy... i desire to feel that with a human being... a partner, a companion... the closeness and intimacy of a best friend mixed with the struggles and hurt associated with being vulnerable along with the crazy quirks that a personality brings rolled into a package of someone who is a perfect fit. don't get me wrong - i'm not looking for mr. perfect... i'm not looking for the perfect man... i'm not looking at all, if you want to get technical about it... but i'm waiting, dreaming, hoping of the perfect fit... the right complement to me... as screwed up and weird as i am... (yes, m.a., i'm a weird, weird child!) and i'm waiting to be presented to him... which is another long story that i won't go into today...

here's what i hate - the stupid christian stigma that says that i'm not "okay" because i'm not married... christian single women must be one of 4 things... (and let me say - 2ND DISCLAIMER - i don't know really anyone who fits into these categories - it's mostly my rantings and ravings - about how i feel single christian girls are stereotyped - and probably in my own mind... and maybe how i feel i've been stereotyped... my aim is not to offend... it's mostly my frustrations...)

1) sinful and not in a right relationship with God, because EVERYONE knows that once one is satisfied in God alone, He brings his/her mate IMMEDIATELY...
2) called to the foreign mission field, ready to sacrifice having a husband... she's so spiritual she doesn't even desire a husband...
3) "that girl" - that weird-psycho-overly-clingy-girl-who-probably-went-to-bible-college-and-everyone-knows-why-she's-single-by-looking-at-her...
4) a femi-nazi

there are probably more, but those are the ones coming to my mind... i especially hate #1... that is exactly how i feel... and no... i don't want some married woman telling me she knows how hard it is to be single... she is on the other end of things... you haven't been me and you don't know how it feels to be me... (i'm such a whiney-butt...) i just hate that advice... "as soon as you're content in the Lord, He'll give you a mate..." no one ever promised that... that is not a biblical command... and i know PLENTY of content-in-Jesus women who aren't married yet - and it's not because they don't desire to be!!! (i'm getting really fired up and i'm typing really hard, probably making the other people in the computer lab wonder what the heck is going on!!!)

on the other side... i'm so excited about my job - about stuff going on in my life... i'm not sitting around completely unhappy because God hasn't brought my husband... i just felt this way today, specifically, out of nowhere because that happens... it's not a constant state of being!!!

on the seasonal-front... the stupid holiday season doesn't help much with the previous discussion... the holidays scream, "YOU NEED SOMEONE TO BE OKAY!!!" the holidays are meant to share and if you're alone, well, "i guess you'll have to deal with it, won't you?"

maybe it's the weather... isn't a lot better to cuddle up with someone on a cold night than to add another blanket in your lonely bed?

to sum it up, i want someone to take a nap with... to rest... to be... there's a great episode of friends where joey and ross take a nap together and wake up feeling refreshed... the best nap they ever got... while i'm not going to go out and ask people to take a nap with me... that's just what i desire... and preferrably that would be with someone who i want to share my life with (and preferrably male)...

on the friend-front... i have a really good friend who is moving away in a few days... and when i say moving... it's not down the street or to the next town... she's freaking moving across the country to pittsburgh... what the crap? and while i'm TOTALLY excited for what our Daddy has in store for her, i hate that she's moving... she's a normal friend at school who i feel is a kindred spirit - who i can share my guts with and she not only listens, she feels it... she is present with me when i'm sharing my guts and i just know it's not going to be the same over the phone a million miles away - i know what distance generally does to friendships... and i HATE it...

i have another friend who already lives a couple of hours away - but she is moving to the other side of washington, maybe... it would be such a great experience for her, and i'm so thrilled... at the same time... i feel sad, because i know it will weaken our friendship even more... it's already a bit of a stretch because she doesn't live in the same town... but she's another kindred spirit...

so here i am, pouting... whiney... i'm getting left behind... this is where my Daddy has me, but i don't want to feel left behind... i don't want things to change...

and here's another thing i realized today... i feel like my life has mostly been made up of changed mixed with brief seasons of the ordinary, here and there... i'm so tired of change... of having to make new friends (and keep the old... one is silver and the other's gold) and either having the friends i've made leave or me leave them behind... how many friendships have been lost in the shuffle?? i know this is part of life, but i don't have to like it...

amy brought this up... about "lifers" a post she wrote called, "we're all outsiders"... who are my lifers... my friend moving to pittsburgh - i would have thought her to be a lifer... not that she's abandoned me, but i know things change with distance... and she'll be getting married in the next year and that changes things even more... i heard a sermon one time that we have 5 people we can count on - 5 "lifers" if you will - not family - who would drop everything if you asked them to come... i thought, "surely there are more than 5" - but i think there are just 5... who are they???

anyway - i think i'm just rambling at this point... there's tons more i can say, but i'm going to call it a night... if you've journeyed with me through this... thank you... i truly appreciate it!!!